Truce
by alenya121
Summary: OH MY GOSH! Lily has called a truce with James! Is the world ending? Or does Lily have a method to her madness? Read and find out! CH.3 IS UP! Includes potion ingredients as costume, bean snorting, and an odd conversation and discovery in a broom closet..
1. Practice and a Plan

A/N: so I got really bored and, on a whim, clicked on my recycle bin on my desktop. Lo and behold, a TON of Lily and James plot bunnies! So I says to myself, "Self...why not weave all these random story starters into one big, huge mega story!" and Self answers back, "But shouldn't you go to sleep. It's 2:30 in the morning. "Self, shut up!" and I proceed to cackle Dr. Frankenstien-like, lightening crashes and I get to typing like a madman.

Cut to now. I'm really bored...again. You know that point in summer vacation where you have done everything you can do and school starts very soon (like end of the week soon! aaah! the horror!)? well, i says to myself (you noticing a pattern here?), "Self, let's upload yet another story to the one we started to piece together last night. Self snored, so without other judgement, here you are!

(insert majestic fanfare)

My attempt of purging my recycle bin!

Disclaimer: it should be obvious by now. I'm not JK Rowling! Get off my back!

And to all the people who read 'Sweet Transvestite' and reviewed, thanks! glad you liked it. I personally couldn't stop laughing while I wrote it. I think my mom is starting to believe I'm mental.

On with the story!

o.O

Ch.1: Practice and a Plan

"C'mon, you pansies, it's only a bit of rain!" James Potter yelled.

On the contrary, it was quite a bit of rain that was currently falling from the sky, in the violent, all-hell-hath-broke-loose manner many fall storms tend to have. However, James was hoping that by lying to his team that this was a mild spring shower that would soon pass, they would believe him.

"A bit of rain! Potter, I won't be dry till August!"

No such luck. _Damn_, James thought.

"Shut up, Montez, or I'll be sure you're playing until August!" James snapped back. He returned to the mock game he had set up and tried to find the goal posts so he could shoot the Quaffle. _It's times like these when I wish I didn't have glasses_, James though irritably as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose for the gazillioth time. He squinted yet again, but instead of seeing a hoop, he was met with a rather pitiful-looking Sirius Black.

"Mate, call it off," Black panted. His shaggy hair stuck to his neck and was plastered to his forehead. He tried to shake it out of his eyes, but to no avail. "Everyone's wet and pissy and my hair looks horrible."

James smirked. "Well, I'm sorry," he started to say, but Sirius wasn't done.

"And onto of all this, Montez has the brilliant idea to do nothing but pelt me with Bludgers."

"Well, technically, you two are playing against each other in this practice and – "

"But does that mean she has to aim at my crotch?"

"Oh, all right," James grumbled, conjured up a whistle. He blew half a lung out, trying to make sure the team heard it over the tempest. He and his best mate landed on the ground. When they managed to escape the gusts of wind and icy rain and duck into the team's locker rooms, a group of tired, bedraggled teenagers met them, all looking like they would fall dead in an instant.

"Good practice, you lot, but not near good enough to beat Slytherin next weekend. Montez, no more hitting Sirius in the crotch with Bludgers," James reprimanded.

A stern-faced Spaniard girl looked confidently back at him. "Even though there's nothing there to hurt?" she fired back.

"I can think of a thousand girls in Hogwarts who can vouch that I do have a cock, thank you very much, Allie," Sirius said coolly.

"Is James one of them?"

"Shut up you two. Montez, I'm talking to you after," James snapped at her.

"Aye, aye captain," she saluted before slumping back down.

"Like I was saying," James continued. "You all need to shape up before next weekend. No more complaining about the weather, taking frustrations out on team members, or back talking. Save all that for when you whip some Ravenclaw ass. Meet back here tomorrow, same time, same place. Anyone who doesn't won't be playing, clear?"

An indistinguishable murmur rose from the seven-member blob in front of him. He took that as an affirmative and dismissed them. Slowly, all but he, Sirius, and Aliana remained.

Aliana Montez was a Spaniard by birth, whose parents had moved to England when she was nine. Her hair, which usually hung straight to her shoulders save a few gentle curls on the ends, was currently sleeked back and curling tightly from the rain. Her skin was strikingly pale and she had large gold-brown eyes. Upon close inspection, she was a rather beautiful girl when she wasn't covered in mud. James would date her in an instant if it weren't for three things: one, she was best friends with Lily Evans, two, he loved Lily Evans and three, Aliana was the only one of Lily's friends who didn't curse him soon as look at him.

Yep, Aliana was forced to be the go-between for James. Since Aliana had become an honorary member of the Marauders for her superior pranking skills, she had become something of a double agent for James. After Quidditch games proved the best time for dishing as Lily despised sports, preferring to read in the common room.

"You wanted to see me, Cap'n?" Aliana asked, crossing her arms.

"What's up with Lily?" James asked automatically.

"Oh, she's taken to pleasuring herself twice a day while moaning your name."

"Really?" James asked, his jaw on the ground.

"No."

"Damn."

"That'd be hot if she was though," Sirius said. He slid over next to Aliana. "I bet you're moaning my name every night, aren't you my little chili pepper?"

"Only when I'm thinking of ways to cause you pain, _imbécilito_," she patted his arm.

"Kinky?" Sirius asked, putting his arm around her. "I can do that." He started to nibble her ear, but Aliana stood quickly.

"You bloody wanker," she said darkly. Gathering up her things, she stormed out into the rain in a huff. James watched her go.

"Damn!" he ejaculated. "Sirius, you always screw it up with her!"

"Wish I _could_ screw her," Sirius said gruffly.

Running his hand though his hair absent-mindedly, James racked his brains on ways to get to Lily. After being sent to the hospital wing nearly a hundred times by means of Lily's wand, he had given up the direct approach of asking Lily out. Aliana had been his next hope; she had grown up with Lily and been best friends with her since before Hogwarts. Unfortunately for the cause, Sirius hit on anything with breasts that wasn't a Slytherin. That left Melissa Jones.

Melissa Jones, older cousin of Hestia Jones, was the third Gryffindor sixth year girl and the radical opposite of Aliana and Lily. While the other two tended to be a bit more reserved and casual, Melissa was a very gregarious blond girly-girl. She never studied, finding snogging boys behind the suits of armor a more suitable past time. Also, Melissa was a pureblood and Lily and Aliana were Muggle-born. Her long straight blond hair, large brown eyes, and tall skinny frame made her very desirable to most of the male population of Hogwarts. James was hoping Sirius' shallow side would prevail.

"What do you think of Mel Jones?" James asked off hand.

"She's pretty," shrugged Sirius, peeling off his dirty Quidditch robes and walked into a shower.

"She'd be a good bang, wouldn't she?" James commented.

Sirius looked out from the stream, confused. "Mate, isn't banging your girl's best friend the wrong way to gain her affections?"

"I meant for you!" James yelled.

"Oh," Sirius said simply; his head was too thick to understand hints unless he was making them. "Yeah, I bet she would be."

James' eyes lit up in hope. "Why don't you go for it? She just broke up with that Hufflepuff Keeper and I think she's free this weekend."

"Well, go talk to Remus then," Sirius said.

James looked confused. "Why should I do that?"

"You know he likes her."

"But he'll never do anything about it. He's too buried in his five billion books."

"So is Lily, but that doesn't stop you," Sirius retorted, walking out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his lower half.

"Shut up," James said hotly, still sore at the fact that Lily had pelted him with _Hogwarts, A History_ last night; thinking he was hitting on her; all he had done was complement her on her hair.

"Besides," Sirius said, picking up his robes. "I'm interested in someone else right now."

"Oh, who?" James asked, not really caring. He never got Sirius' answer because just then, Aliana walked back in.

"I forgot my bag," she said, seeing the boys' surprised looks.

"Lookin' good," Sirius said to her.

Aliana straightened, her bag on her shoulder. "I haven't showered yet, sausage jockey. Put some clothes on if you two are done fucking," she sneered, walking out.

"That bitch," Sirius said darkly. But James noted the odd look he had on his face as he pushed his wet hair out of his eyes. He smirked, deciding to keep his assumptions as blackmail for later.

"C'mon, Padfoot. Let's go fetch Remus from the library before he takes to living there," James said.

o.O

Lily Evans sat at a table in the library, books piled nearly over her head. It was 10:30 on a Saturday night and she was finishing up some extra credit work in Transfiguration. Sighing, she flipped absent-mindedly though one of the volumes open in front of her. Her quill sat poised above the parchment, at the foot of three lengthy paragraphs.

Ink slowly dripped, making an oblong blob; Lily didn't care. She was tired and didn't want to be here doing homework alone. At any other time, she might have been able to bribe Aliana to sit with her, but she was busy practicing Quidditch for next week's game against Ravenclaw. Besides, afterwards she had talked about tracking down Max, her Ravenclaw boyfriend for what would probably be one of their last times together; Aliana's relationships almost always fizzled out over Quidditch. She never played favorites on the pitch, not even if she might be dating someone on the opposing team. _At least she had a boyfriend to dump_, Lily though bitterly.

Melissa was no better; her favorite pastime was snogging boys in broom cupboards between classes. She went through boyfriends like Lily went though reading material: at least one each week. True, she had gotten a lot better. Since third year, she had had a big crush on Remus Lupin, but strangely had never been able to do anything about it. Lately, on Aliana's advice, she had backed off on the constant pickup, snog, and reject system she had for boyfriends. In fact, it had been a record three weeks since she had last had a guy. To make up for this cutback, she took up spying on the poor Lupin. In fact, Mel was currently hiding behind a bookcase, peering over anxiously. Her giggling was breaking Lily's concentration and making her even more irritable.

She replaced her quill in her inkwell and stuffed her half-finished essay in her book bag. Huffing, she stalked out of the library, ignoring Madam Pince's scolds of leaving books unattended. She couldn't stand being in that stuffy room any longer. Just as she was about to make tracks for her dormitory, she ran headlong into James Potter and Sirius Black.

"All right there, Evans?" James asked in a deep, mature voice. Lily noticed how his hand jumped immediately for his unruly hair. It began to run though the strands, making them stand up even more. She mustered all the will power she had to not permanently freeze that bloody hand where it was.

"Shut up, Potter," she snapped. Something clicked in her head; James and Sirius were Chaser and Beater on the same team as Aliana. Therefore, judging by the dreadful state of their robes, Aliana was free from practice. "Where's Allie?"

"Probably sucking face with that Turner guy from Ravenclaw. Wonder how long that will last after next week?" Sirius asked.

"Want to stick with us, Evans?" James spoke up.

"I'd rather face all the dementors in Azkaban," Lily retorted scathingly. She brushed past the duo and scaled the stairs toward the Gryffindor tower. She was so sick of Potter and Black; the former always hitting on her and the latter for egging the former on. Aliana was the only one who could handle them both. In first year, Aliana had decided to show them how Muggles prank each other. One night, she had snuck into their dorm and saran-wrapped them to their beds, magically fixed their fingers inside their nostrils and "styled" their hair with superglue. On suggestion from Lily, she had also charmed their boxers to scantily clad women (which had oddly resembled the Hogwarts girls they had dated) that were provocatively riding brooms and chasing snitches. After that, they had respected her pranking skills and made her an honorary Marauder and given her the nickname Talon.

"_Rectivectum_," she muttered darkly to the Fat Lady. The portrait opened to reveal a relatively empty common room. _Of course_, Lily though, _everyone else in the House has a social life. Everyone except me_. She flopped down in her favorite armchair in front of the fire.

"Lils?" A familiar voice called. She looked up to see Aliana, looking concerned.

"Hey. Why aren't you with Max?" Lily asked, a tinge of bitterness in her tone.

"Couldn't find him," Aliana shrugged dismissively. "You okay? You look really bummed."

Lily shrugged. She couldn't exactly say, _'Yeah, I'm just really jealous of you and Max and Mel and whoever the hell she's dating now. And I wish a guy would ask me out. Oh, and I want to kill James since he hit on me for the billionth time just now. Plus, I'm stressing over the DADA test tomorrow.'_

"And you are being incredibly vague," Aliana broke into her thoughts. "Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong?" she began to sing. "I have never seen such sorrow in your eyes and the wedding is tomorrow."

"What wedding?" Lily muttered. Aliana was too busy singing to hear.

"How I hate to see you like this. There is no way you can deny it. I can see that you're oh so sad, so quiet."

"I'm just really bummed that everyone else has something to do tonight and I'm stuck in, again, doing schoolwork."

"Chiquitita, tell me the truth," Aliana kept singing. "I'm a shoulder you can cry on. Your best friend. I'm the one you must rely on."

"That is the truth!" Lily broke in. "Do you not believe me, Ali? I'm really jealous that all the Hogwarts boys can't look past your mystique and Mel's gorgeousness to see studious, bookworm me!"

"You were always sure of yourself. Now I see you've broken a feather. I hope we can patch it up together."

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, thoroughly confused. "I don't have feathers. Or is this some weird symbol for my broken self-confidence? That I didn't have much of in the first place?"

"Chiquitita, you and I know how the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving."

"You mean you're really hurt when guys break up with you over Quidditch? But you always act so aloof and fine with it," Lily said, disbelieving.

"You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end. You will have no time for grieving. Chiquitita, you and I cry but the sun is still in the sky and shining above you. Let me hear you sing once more like you did before. Sing a new song Chiquitita."

"Are you even listening to me?" Lily asked.

"What?" Aliana asked, pulling out an earbud. "Sorry, I didn't hear you."

"Ugh!" Lily yelled. She grabbed her bag and ran up the girls' staircase. She slammed the door to her dormitory and fell onto and bed, screaming into her pillow. Her own friend, the one she always went to for advice, wasn't even listening to her!

o.O

Meanwhile, back in the common room, Aliana was at the foot of the stairs, looking up at where her best friend had disappeared.

"Whatcha doin' Talon?" Sirius asked, he and James coming up behind her.

"Lily's really pissed at me and I don't know why. I was just singing and all of a sudden she stormed off."

"Why don't you go up after her?" James asked.

Aliana turned. "Are you daft? You know how Lily is when she's pissed. I wouldn't put it past her to gouge out my eyes with a spoon."

"True," James said subdued.

"You didn't do anything did you?" Aliana asked, suspiciously.

"Why does everyone automatically jump to me!" James asked, sitting hard on the armchair Lily had been in minutes before.

"Cuz she hates you, mate," Sirius reminded him.

"Well maybe it was Talon's singing that pissed her off," James looked accusingly at Aliana. She sent him a venomous look before taking a threatening step toward him, making him flinch.

"Ah," Aliana grinned happily. "Two for flinching." And she proceeded to punch him twice in the arm.

"Damn, Talon," Sirius whistled. "Remind me to never get you pissed."

"What did he do know?" Remus asked, coming up by the boys, Melissa trailing behind. Her long blond hair was sprawled over the petite, tall form that most Hogwarts girls would kill for. She focused her innocent blue eyes on James and gave him an amused smile.

"Did you piss off Lily again, Potter?" she asked.

"I did not!" James yelled.

"Yeah you did. Shut up," she said, making James close his mouth. "Mel, can you go up there with me and see how much of the room she's destroyed?"

"Whatever," she responded, flipping her hair over her shoulder and gave Remus a shy goodbye as Aliana dragged her toward the girls' stairs. Remus watched her go. James and Sirius watched Remus.

"So…" Sirius said to Remus. "What did you two get up to?"

"Nothing. I saw her in the library after Lily left and decided to talk to her."

"Ah," Sirius said knowingly, waggling his eyebrows. "Talk."

"Yes," Remus frowned. "We had an intelligent conversation."

"Ooo," Sirius elbowed Remus and winked. "Intelligent conversation, eh?"

"Yeah, we talked about photography."

"You mean, she's into…taking pictures? Photography? Eh? Hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge," Sirius grinned widely, nodding to James and nudging Remus so hard the boy nearly fell over sideways. "Me too, mate. Me too."

"You like photography?" Remus asked, surprised.

"Oh, yeah. Every day I make a point to look at it or…make some of my own, you know what I mean?" Sirius grinned wider.

"Whose your favorite photographer?" Remus asked.

"Oh, er…it changes. It depends on how well he…captured the subject, if you know what I mean, eh? Eh, wink, wink, hint, hint, click, click, nudge, nudge, you know what I'm saying?"

James slapped his forehead, finally understanding what Sirius was talking about. "Not that kind of photography, Padfoot," he said tiredly.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, his excited look fading slightly.

"I mean, Remus and Mel don't like the same kind of…photos you do," James said, his eyes still closed.

"What are you both on about?" Remus asked, now confused.

"He thought you meant pornographic photos, Moony."

Remus looked like he was about to puke. James looked at Sirius pathetically. Sirius was unabashed; he reclined back and thought about…photography.

o.O

"I hate him!"

"Uh-huh."

"Ali, are you listening to me?"

"Uh-huh."

"What did I just say, then?"

"Uh-huh."

"ALIANA!"

"Eh?"

"Ali, I'm over here."

Lily was sitting on the edge of her bed, watching her friend twirl around in her deck chair. The latter had stopped when her name was called and was still trying to rebalance herself. "For God's sakes, don't stand until you're sober."

"Righto," Aliana was grinning at Lily.

"Will you listen to me?" Lily burst.

"I have been. You hate him. You've been saying so since we got up here," Melissa butted in.

"It's shameless the way you two flirt," Aliana said, rearing the chair around for another go.

"WHAT!" Lily squawked. "TAKE THAT BACK!"

"Oh, my God, Lils. You've had this personal vendetta against James Potter for seven years now. Why don't you cut him a break and try to be his friend. WHEEE!" Aliana giggled as she became a spinning blur of color again.

"Because, Allie," Lily fumed, throwing her pillow across the room, "the self proclaimed man whore doesn't want to be my friend. He wants to be my boyfriend."

"How do you know?" Melissa asked.

"Because he asks me out on a daily basis," Lily reminded.

"Well, I agree with Allie. I think you should at least cut him some slack," Melissa said. "He's really a great guy once you get used to him and his mates."

"You sure you don't tolerate James just because you're in love with Remus?" Lily teased. Melissa looked embarrassed. "And I know for a fact that you have a crush on Sirius," Lily turned to Aliana, who was spinning in the chair again.

"I'm not in love with him, for the umpteenth time," Aliana grumbled. Lily rolled her eyes. Why was her friend in such denial? She was sick of her friend playfighting and arguing over insignificant things and passing it off as goofing off. She had been planning to set up her friends with their Marauder crushes, but nothing came to mind. Suddenly, it clicked. Lily stood up and grabbed her wand.

"Where're you going?" Melissa asked. Aliana stopped spinning again, her dazed eyes trying to focus on Lily.

"Going to go see someone. You lot staying here?"

"Probably," Aliana piped in, starting to spin again. Lily shook her head and walked out.

o.O

_I can't believe I'm doing this_, Lily thought, knocking on the seventh-years dormitory. "I think that's Allie. She said she's stopping by," she heard a voice say from within. The door opened and a scraggly Sirius Black greeted her. His long hair was dishelmed and his warm deep brown eyes were twinkling.

"Nope, it's Lilykins!" he announced brightly. He took her under his arm and dragged her inside, giving her a noogie. "What brings you to our humble hellhole?" he asked.

"I need to talk to Potter," she said breathlessly, wriggling free.

"Here," a hand shot up from the bed on the far left. James sat up, wearing only jeans. Something in Lily lurched at the sight as the raven-haired youth stood, stretched, and re-clothed himself. "What's up, Evans?" he said suavely.

Lily rolled her eyes. "I need to talk to you privately. Away from your bum buddies." James looked around him. Peter was playing jacks with himself in the corner, Remus was reading on his bed, and Sirius was staring at the duo openly.

"Clear out, you lot," he commanded. Peter immediately headed for the door. Sirius caught his collar.

"Right," Sirius said. "I'm not leaving."

"Aliana wanted to talk to you down in the common room, by the way," Lily said to him.

"See you mate," Sirius said automatically. Peter followed him; if he couldn't watch James with girls, he'd watch Sirius with girls. James then looked pointedly at Remus, who looked plainly back, then, sighing, walked out and shut the door behind him. James turned back to Lily.

"Wanna sit?" James asked, patting his bed. Lily quirked an eyebrow.

"I'm not here for sex, Potter," she said bluntly.

"Right. Desk?"

"Right." Lily walked over the said furniture and sat down in the desk chair. James shifted a stack of books and perched himself on the desk surface. "So what's up?"

"I want to call a truce between us."

James coughed. "Eh?"

"I want to call a truce. Elle wants me to cut you some slack. And I suppose I agree."

"All right then. Truce." James put out a hand. Lily looked at it oddly. "Shake on it." Lily shrugged and took his hand. They shook and she quickly let go. A moment of silence passed. James looked hard at the redhead. "There's more?"

"Eh?"

"You could have told me that in front of my mates. Do you want to me to call them back in?"

"No!" Lily burst. James grinned.

"Then get to it."

"Don't rush me, Potter. There's a reason I'm calling this truce."

"Obviously," he interrupted.

"Shut up. I need your help."

"That's new. The invincible Lily Evans asking for help."

"Shut up! You think this is easy for me?" Lily snapped. Recollecting herself, she continued. "I want to set up Mel with Remus." James was silent. "If you were going to butt in, this would be the time to do so," Lily prompted.

"Sorry, you told me to shut up," James said smartly. Lily glared, but stayed silent. "Actually, that's a good idea. You think Mel would be into it?"

"Would Remus?" Lily asked.

"Most definitely. He's all but asked her out."

"But has he actually said to you that he likes her?"

James squirmed. "Yeah, but don't tell him I said that. He'd bite, er…kill me."

"Which, of course, would nullify any reason for having this conversation. So you're definitely in?"

"All in," James grinned, putting his hand out again. Smiling, Lily shook it firmly. After letting go, she stood. James did as well.

"Well, Mr. Potter, I should be going. I'll talk to you again soon," she said. James opened the door for her. "Bye," she said.

"Bye," James closed the door behind her. He couldn't stop grinning.

o.O

A/N: hmm...that's three stories gone. not to shabby. Self, what do you think?

Self snores.

Thanks for your input, self. Anyways, I only have a rough idea of where I'm going with this. Gimmie some reviews and maybe it'll spark the thought process!

Yet anotherobscure review topic (i really don't know where these come from): talking to yourself


	2. Galleon Dances and Potions Gone Wild!

A/N: phew, finally finished this chappie. Sorry it took a while. To apologize, it's a long-ish chappie! I finally have a slight plan for the first few plots. This includes the first phase, which of course must fail spectacularly and hilariously.

Now that all my stories are updated, no one can complain that I am absent for the rest of the week as I sweat bullets at my audition. I'm so scared, no joke.

As always, shout-outs are at the end!!!

Disclaimer: I own it all. I also fly on a unicorn every night, am the queen of Luxembourg, and James Franco, Daniel Radcliffe, Tom Felton, and Jensen Ackles are all my eager sex slaves. And if you believe any of this you are either high or as crazy as me.

**_Warning: Mostly written around midnight by a semi-sick, sleep-deprived, nervous/anxious/ bored teenage band nerd. Therefore, i am not responsible for outrageous silly, crazy, uproarious laugh sessions that may cause hurt brains, confusion, or any other sort of mental, emotional, or physical pain._**

ENJOY!!!!

Ch. 2: Galleon Dances and Potions Gone Wild

"A truce?"

"Sirius, don't talk with your mouth full."

"Yes, _mother_."

The Marauders were at breakfast and James was filling his mates with the happenings of the previous night. Sirius looked happy for him and so did Peter. After all, when one of his heroes was excited, so was Peter. Remus, however, looked skeptically at James.

"What's the catch?" the former questioned.

James nearly choked on his toast. He had obviously failed to mention the reason of the truce to his mates for obvious reasons. "Er…I can't curse or prank Snivellus anymore."

"Aw, damn," Sirius ejaculated. "And I had just come up with our weekly Snivelly prank!" James shrugged. Remus still looked unconvinced, but didn't say anything. James breathed easier, bending over his breakfast plate again.

"Oi!" Sirius said suddenly, elbowing James in the ribs. James looked up to see a smirking Aliana and smiling Melissa. The former had apparently just flicked Sirius in the back of the head as the poor boy was rubbing the sore spot. "What the bloody hell was that for?!"

"Morning to you too, dogbreath. Budge up a seat," Aliana greeted him. Remus and a grumbling Sirius both moved down one seat. Melissa sat beside Remus and Aliana sat beside Sirius, stealing a piece of toast of his plate as she settled in.

"Oi! I gave you my seat and you repay me by stealing my food?" Sirius asked.

"You weren't eating it, fatty," Aliana munched happily.

"Look who's talking, tubby," Sirius muttered. Aliana punched him in the arm, then turned to James.

"By the way, Lily wanted to talk to you. Something about last night." Aliana raised an eyebrow. "You didn't rape her, did you? Cuz if you did…"

"I didn't rape her, Allie," James interrupted her, standing. He walked over to Lily, who was playing absently with her porridge.

"Now, Ms. Evans, didn't your mother ever teach you not to play with your food?" James clucked. Lily jumped, flinging breakfast down James' front.

"Sorry," Lily said. James shrugged, magically cleaned his robes, and sat down opposite the redhead.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked.

"Yeah," Lily said. She glanced down the table before leaning in. "How into Allie is Sirius?" she whispered.

"Eh?" James muttered, leaning in as well. "Are you asking if Sirius likes Allie?" Lily nodded. "Well, technically, he hasn't said anything, but I definitely have my suspicions that he does."

"Allie's the same way," Lily said, straightening. "So I was thinking, why not kill two birds with one stone?"

"Uh…cuz that would be animal cruelty?" James said hesitantly.

"It's a Muggle expression, Potter," Lily heaved a sigh.

"Muggles kill birds with stones?"

"No. Well, yes. Maybe, I don't know! The point is, I was thinking that while we're fixing up Mel and Remus, why not nudge Allie and Sirius together?"

"Oh!" James said. "That makes much more sense than bird-killing. Because I don't think Allie would like birds being killed. You notice how partial she is to animals of the aviary sort?"

"Forget the bloody birds!" Lily exclaimed. "Now, here's what let's do…" And the two seventh-years bent their heads together and brainstormed.

o.O

"They're going to kiss."

"No, they're not."

"But their heads are practically touching!"

"That could mean a number of things."

"One of which is kissing."

"They're not going to kiss!"

"A Galleon says they will."

"You're on."

Once James had left, the remaining five had a Chinese fire drill/musical chairs like switching of seats, so that Aliana and Melissa were on one side and, directly opposite them, were Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Sirius and Allie, being closest to Lily and James, had started giving their own commentary on the action while the other three listened.

"Aah, they sat up."

"Right. Give me my Galleon."

Sirius reluctantly slid the piece of gold toward Ali, who started dancing with it joyfully.

"I got a Galleon! I got a Galleon! I got a Galleon, hey, hey, hey, hey!" she sang.

"Hold up, their heads are back together. The bet's still on."

"No, its not. You paid up, so the bets over."

"It's over when I say it's over."

"No, it isn't," Aliana pocketed the gold

"Yes, it is!" Sirius gestured for it back.

"No, it isn't!"

"Yes, it is!"

"No, it isn't!"

"Yes, it is!"

"No, it isn't!"

"No, it isn't!"

"Yes, it is!"

"HA!" Aliana cried triumphantly. "You agreed. Bet's over. I win."

"No, it isn't!"

"Yes, it is!"

"God, not again," Remus moaned, putting his head in his hands.

"Look, they're kissing!" Melissa pointed at Lily and James. Both Allie and Sirius shut up and snapped their heads over to look.

"Good one," Remus complemented her. Melissa blushed slightly and shrugged.

"Ow," Sirius massaged his neck that cracked. "Did we miss it?"

"They didn't kiss, retard," Aliana turned forward. "Can't believe I fell for that."

"They're going to, though. Just watch," Sirius said stubbornly.

"They're not going to kiss!"

"Yes, they are!"

"Want to put your money where your mouth is?"

"Sure. Another Galleon says they'll kiss. Maybe not today, but they will."

"Right. Remus, take this down," Aliana pushed him a fragment of parchment and a quill. Remus wrote:

_**Bet between Aliana Montez and Sirius Black**_

_**Wager: James and Lily will kiss**_

_**Winnings: One Galleon**_

"Sign," Remus pushed it to Aliana. She scribbled out a quick signature, then pushed it to Sirius. Dramatically flashing the feather, he signed his name with a flourish. He was just dotting the i's when James walked up.

"What are you all up to?" he asked, sitting beside Aliana.

"Nothing," Sirius fibbed quickly, stuffing the parchment into his pocket. "Shall we go to class, then?"

"Yeah, you're obviously not lying," Aliana sniggered under her breath. "Sirius wanting to go to class. Yeah, right."

o.O

Of course, Lily and Remus were the only ones who had actually had their schedules in hand on the way over. Peter had sneezed right after breakfast and Sirius, instead of the requested tissue, handed over his schedule. James had proceeded to roll up his schedule and bop Sirius on the head who, in turn, grabbed the rolled parchment and chased James out of the room, beating him unmercifully. Aliana had shoved hers into her book bag so she stole Mel's and crinkled it into a ball and chucked it at the boys' heads, trying to get them to stop. Peter, nose still messy, thought this was the new fad and crinkled his own and chucked it at Sirius. It hit its target and an enraged Sirius turned and began chasing and beating Peter.

"For the last time, Sirius, at least try to act your age," Lily reprimanded him.

"I'm acting my age," Sirius said, reaching out and smacking Peter on the back of the head again. "I'm being downright Sirius!" He waited for uproarious laughter.

No one else laughed.

"I don't think Lily means for you to be yourself. She wants you to be serious," Peter said wisely.

"But Sirius is serious! HA HA!" As no one laughed last time, Sirius decided to try and prompt one. Aliana stole Sirius' beating tool and gave him a taste of his own medicine.

"No one…thinks…that…lame…crack…is…funny!" she yelled, enunciating everything with another blow of the schedule. Remus looked absolutely repulsed. He snatched the parchment and lovingly smoothened it on his desk.

"I can't believe you would use a document of this magnanimity as a means for violence!" he exclaimed. "Honestly, it's our seventh-year schedules! One would think a parchment bearing our final classes at Hogwarts would be more monumental!"

Aliana, Sirius, and James looked at him blankly. Aliana rummaged in her bag, retrieved her schedule, crinkled it into a ball, and hit Sirius in the cheek. "I win," she said simply as Professor Slughorn waltzed into the classroom.

"We are starting a new unit, ladies and gentlemen," the disgustingly portly professor announced. "And no it's not poisons for those of you who wish to kill any of your professors who might be administering dreadfully difficult homework," he winked knowingly and laughed. Slightly disheartened when no one else laughed, he flicked his wand so that the directions showed up on the front board and sent them all to pair up and start.

James automatically grabbed Lily's wrist. Out of habit, Lily smacked him across the face.

"Dear God, woman!" Sirius yelled, staring at Lily as Remus examined the cheek James was clutching in pain. "Was that absolutely necessary?"

"I thought he was getting frisky!" Lily said in defense.

"Did it ever occur that I might just want to partner with you?" James winced as Peter prodded the pained area. "One finger, Peter, one finger. Treat me like a 20,000 Galleon ceramic vase!"

"Well, that's certainly not being full of yourself at all," Aliana said. "At least we know he hasn't changed too much."

"Shut it," James hissed.

Slughorn chose then to go figure out why the seventh-year Gryffindor were gathering instead of pairing off. He saw James obviously in pain. "James, m'boy, are you alright?"

"I'm fine, if you consider Lily pimp-slapping me grounds for being fine!" James said in a heated manner.

"I thought he was going to molest me!" Lily screamed. Everyone turned in curiosity. After all, when you scream 'molest' or 'rape' or any other word on that same train of thought, everyone around you will shut up and stare at you.

"Well, I'm no expert, but given the current conditions, I would suspect Mister Potter simply wanted to pair with you. And I would also venture to guess that a crowded classroom would not be the best place to participate in any form of sexual activity, welcomed or no," Slughorn said wisely.

"Right," Lily murmured, still very embarrassed.

"How about it, then?" James asked.

"I'm not having sex with you, Potter!"

"I…I was talking about us pairing up," James said confusedly. _Although, you seem to be quite fixated on the subject on us indulging in sexual activity_, he thought. _Not that I would mind, mind you, in helping you get your mind off the subject. Especially if that included in acting out whatever it is your mind keeps focusing on…damn, I'm starting to sound like Sirius. Shut it, shut it, shut it…_

"Okay, as long as you stop banging your head on the table," Lily's voice interrupted his thoughts.

So that's what that excruciating pain was in his forehead. James straightened up and smiled at her. They moved to a separate table, Lily dragging her cauldron with them.

"So," she muttered, "getting our friends to date each other."

"Oh, you've got ideas?"

Lily stared at him. "I thought that's why you wanted to pair up, so you could tell me your idea."

"Well, whatever idea I had, it was probably with the thousands of brain cells I killed in that random head-banging session," James said wisely.

Lily stared at him in disbelief. Shaking her head at him, she focused her attention on the potion recipe on the board. She frowned. "It can't be…" she muttered.

"No, actually, I head-bang quite a bit. Sirius got me hooked. Whoever thought his long hair was actually useful for something, but apparently it's a necessity for maximum head-banging. I have to use a wig, because…well, isn't it's obvious? And it really stinks. Like a bloody, disease-ridden –– "

"Not that!" Lily hissed. She stopped and stared at him again. "A wig? Really?" she questioned. James nodded. Lily shook her head to clear it of the strange image of James in a blond curly wig, head-banging to Queen while Sirius played air-guitar in the background. "No, I mean…look at the potion's ingredients!"

James did. He found nothing strange, except that Slughorn had spelled 'beetle' as 'bettle'. "So he spelled something wrong," he shrugged. "Is it really that big of a deal?"

"Oh, did he really?" Lily looked to where James was pointing. "Wow, I can't believe he did – stop distracting me!" she hissed. "I mean, this potion is incredibly close to a Love Potion. Just change the bettle's – I mean beetle's eyes to unicorn hair, the extract of centipede to…what are you doing? You're ruining our grade!" Lily spazzed, running over to James who had just thrown out the beetle's eyes and slipped a unicorn hair to her cauldron.

"Has anybody told you lately that you are brilliant?" James whispered.

"Well, there was Professor – "

"That was rhetorical."

"Oh…"

Lily stared at the cauldron's contents, which were turning into a pale pink color, much different than the jet-black that was instructed. "Do you know how long it's going to take to get back on track?"

"No, listen. I've got an idea to get Sirius and Aliana together! A love potion!"

Lily was silent, her eyes wide and her mouth gaping a small O.

"Did I slap you so hard that you have mental damage?"

"Maybe, although Sirius always says – "

"That was rhetorical."

"Oh."

"Love potions are outlawed."

"I know, but isn't playing matchmaker a bit more important than getting suspended." Lily opened her mouth to answer. James held up a hand. "That doesn't require an answer."

"Rhetorical again?"

"No, I just know you were going call me crazy and slap me again."

"True."

"Just hear me out," James said. "We get my cauldron and do both potions. I'll do the one on the board and you can take this," he pointed to the simmering pink solution, "and make a Love Potion. We'll hand in mine, then bottle yours and dare Sirius to drink the other. Trust me, he'll do it."

Lily looked unsure. "Look, you wanted to hear my idea. That's it. If you've got a better one, let's hear it." Lily was silent. "I thought so. Let's get to work."

Lily squirmed. Her noble side didn't want to knowingly disobey, but as James said, some things are more important than following rules. She dragged her cauldron behind a desk and flipped her book open to the Love Potion section.

Slowly, James and Lily worked on their respective potions, James with much sweating and muttering, Lily with much sweating and fervent scans for the wandering Professor. The period passed painfully slow for her. But, finally, Slughorn called time and Lily dumped in the final ingredient into the Love Potion. Beside her, James stirred his cauldron, brushed his hands together, and came to stand beside Lily.

"Done?" he muttered.

"Yeah," Lily whispered, stirring. "Oh, we're going to get in so much trouble," she whined.

"No we're not. Here," James pulled out another bottle and dipped out a bit. Corking it, he pocketed it. "Now, clean this up and we're home free."

He turned and grinned widely. "Professor Slughorn, pleasure," he said kindly. Lily squeaked.

"James, m'boy! Just here to grade your assignment," Slughorn matched the eager smile James showed. The former peered into the depths of the cauldron and nodded deeply. "Not too shabby. Not quite up to your usual par though, Miss Evans."

"Yes?" Lily squeaked again, jumping around nervously. James fired her a look to settle down.

"Why so nervous, love?" Slughorn asked worriedly. "Hold on," he sniffed the air deeply. "Caramelized pineapple? Now, James, m'boy, I will not be succumbed by bribery," he wagged his finger, winking knowingly.

"I – I don't…" James shook his head confusedly.

"Now, now, don't play dumb…where are we hiding the sweets? Lily, is that what you were peering at in your cauldron?" Slughorn waddled past.

"NO!" James and Lily shouted in unison. Slughorn ignored the cry and stared dumbfounded at the Love Potion that Lily had brewed. He straightened, clucking and wagging his finger again.

"Mister Potter and Miss Evans, I am highly disappointed," Slughorn said depressed.

"No, see what happened…" James cast around for an alibi.

"We messed up the first time and we started over in James' cauldron. I was just about to clean that up when you came over," Lily fibbed quickly and with a straight face. James looked incredulously at her.

"Unfortunately, that can't be proved. I'm afraid I will have to assign both of you detention this Friday," Slughorn said sadly. He walked off. Lily looked at James, who still looked shocked.

"I can't believe you did that," he said hollowly.

"I can't believe it either," Lily said dully. "Go give Sirius his potion before I kill you for making me do that."

James opened his mouth to argue that he hadn't made her do anything, but thought the better of it. He walked over to Sirius and Aliana, who had ended up together and were arguing loudly.

"I told you there was no such thing as bettle's eyes!" Aliana exclaimed.

"Well, how was I supposed to know that?! Hey, mate," Sirius greeted James brightly.

"Hey, I dare you to drink this," James said, pushing the Love Potion on Sirius, who took it and stared at it.

"Okay," Sirius agreed. He had uncorked it and tipped it to his mouth when Slughorn yelled, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!". He ran across the room and slid across the desks in slow motion, knocking the flask out of Sirius's hands. Unfortunately, he slid off the end and landed on the floor with a sickening crash and groan.

"Why did you do that?"

"That was Love Potion. You two," Slughorn weakly pointed to Sirius and Aliana, "will join James and Lily in Friday detention for position."

"While that's peachy and everything," Sirius continued, "but I was really just asking why you did it in slow motion.

"I figured the story could do with an increase in dramatic tension," Slughorn said simply.

"Oh, well then, thanks very much," Sirius nodded.

"Not a problem. Now could someone help me up?"

o.O

To my darling 5 reviewers:

**insert-random-name-here**: love your username, by the way!! Thankies for the update. There's your update. Sorry it took so durned long.

**whiskeygurl007:** i hope this chappie answered your question (yes, if all goes according to plan!!)

**Bogloshi**: _dodges repeaetd hits from thugs_. AAAAAH! call them off! call them off!! I'm sooooo sorry it took so long. Glad you love, but very sad you are so possessive of your ideas...: ( oh, well, my ideas're better than yours!! _sticks tongue out childishly_

**turkey gobble gobble**: hehe I know who you is!!! I actually can't remember if I got that from you, Lisie. Maybe my sleep-depreived mind drew it out of the deep recesses of my memory. I WANT MY FLOPPY!!!

**Luna the Moon Fairy**: good ideas, especcially the second one. I'm going to try to tie that into one of the next chappies. Thanks!!!

Yeah, so as I've stated numerous times in all my other fics, you will have to give me time for an update. If all goes perfectly (as is rarely does), I might update before next Tuesday. However, from then til mid-December, I will rarely be on unless I get the incredible urge to kill my oboe from constant practice for the concert. But all Christmas, unless my family randomly decided to go somewhere, as they have been doing lately, I will do a massive updating spree on all my fics as well as maybe grace you all with another oneshot. Who knows what my Christmas generosity may produce? Of course, reviews are welcome and a wonderful medium for spurring my creative process…not to mention, my b-day's in a few weeks and I need pressies!!!!…like a loverly itty bitty little review….


	3. Trapped in the :Broom: Closet

A/N: Yay for updates! Am currently jamming to the soundtrack to POTC 2! Haha (glomps) lovesies to Jack Sparrow and his blessed jar of dirt!

Happy (very belated) Thanksgiving to all my fellow Americans! Blame the turkey for the utter silliness that incurs in this chapter. That chemical in turkey…y'know the one that's supposed to make you sleepy?…I think it has a euphoria/loopy drug-like effect on me.

Disclaimer: think about it: would JKRowling waste her time writing stuff like this for free on a website when she could publish it? Therefore…

Beware stupid silliness; i leave you this quote as a warning:

_**"If we offend, it is with our goodwill / That we come not to offend. But with good will."**_ - Quince, A Midsummer Night's Dream

Chapter 3: Trapped in the (Broom) Closet

"What does one wear to a detention?"

This was the brilliant question voiced by Lily in the Gryffindor seventh year's girls' dormitory. But she had every right to ask, even if it was a strange query. Lily had never had the misfortune (or privilege, depending on how you view mild enslavement for a night as a punishment) to attend a detention session; her goody-two-shoes demeanor, as Aliana so kindly put it, had never let her. But the former had had the privilege (or misfortune, again depending on your outlook) to attend her share for participating in a few Marauder…er…_quests_.

Aliana looked over from her book at Lily. "It isn't really that hard. Choose something comfortable."

"Okay, but are we going to be outside or inside? Is it going to be manual labor or something easy like grading or filing paper? Do we have to be in uniform? Do we have to wear or bring something special to show our shame? Do I –"

"Lily, shut up."

Lily shut up.

"Personally, I've never had to do a detention for Slughorn," Aliana said, standing. "But knowing that we got the detention in Potions with the Potions teacher, it's probably going to be either cleaning the Potions room, brewing the assigned potion correctly…although I doubt it because we both miraculously managed to do that in class…or we could possibly go into the forest and collect Potions ingredients."

"The forest?" Lily yelped. "No!"

"What? Do you have some unnatural fear of trees?" Aliana asked.

"No, it's just I get creeped out going into forests at night. Especially one with werewolves and murderous centaurs and other creepy things with big, nasty, sharp, pointy teeth!" She imitated said teeth with her hand making some strange growling noise like she was going to attack Aliana.

"Uh-huh," Aliana nodded, rolling her eyes at Lily's hysterical behavior. "I think it's cleaning. I'm wearing a light sweater, jeans, and tennis shoes and bringing a cloak in my bag." She checked the clock on the wall. "It's almost seven. Get dressed and meet me down in the common room." She began to walk out, but looked over her shoulder at the last second. "I bet if you get really scared James wouldn't mind holding you."

She had to close the door quickly to dodge the thrown clay bowl that had unfortunately been at Lily's side. It shattered against the wood. Lily groaned as she heard Aliana give a raspberry and giggle maniacally as she ran off. _Oh well_, Lily thought as she mended the bowl magically, _she'll get hers when James and I unfold part two of our plot_.

o.O

"So what do you wear to a detention?"

This was the brilliant conversation in the Gryffindor seventh year boys' dormitories. Remus had asked the previous question, taking a second to look in the disaster that was James' and Sirius' trunks, both of which seemed to have exploded and pooled into one communal heap of dirty boxers, dress robes, and spare socks.

"PULL!" Sirius yelled. James tossed a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean at the former's mouth, who caught it and chewed thoughtfully as James turned to answer.

James shrugged. Then turned back to Sirius.

"Blueberry," Sirius nodded, correctly naming the flavor. "Alright, I'll do another. PULL!" James chucked another. It went up Sirius' nose. He snorted and writhed and cursed as James nearly fell off his bed laughing. "I don't want to snort the beans, Prongs-head!" Sirius yelled incoherently, sound slightly nasal.

"S-Sorry," James panted as he apologized.

"Well, geez, I guess the game's over now. I mean, bean in the nose kinda stops the excitement," Sirius fumed, getting up.

"Or adds more, depending on your outlook," Remus said wisely. "So I regress to my original unanswered question: what does one usually wear to a detention with Slughorn?"

"Anything you bloody want," James said, wiping tears of mirth away.

"But it's always good to bring some sort of bargaining device. Caramelized pineapple or some other disgustingly sweet comestible is usually good," Sirius said, digging through the enormous pile of clothes. "Oh my God, Prongs, what is this?" he pulled out something that resembled an obnoxiously colored leopard print man-thong.

"'Comestible'? Nice word choice, Padfoot," Remus complemented. Thankfully for the mild-mannered werewolf, he had disappeared behind this evening's paper and did not see the outrageous display of undergarments.

"But does he know what it means?" James snorted.

"It's my word of the day and yes, I do, Prongsie-Prissy-Pants!" Sirius said hotly. He pulled a smug face. "You eat it. Now," he tossed the migraine-causing underwear at a distracted James. "What is this?"

"Eurgh!" James yelled, tossing the piece of clothing away. It landed on the edge of Remus' paper. "Oh, my ––" Remus stuttered, turning almost as bright as the thong. He tossed his paper and the thong to the ground, ran into the bathroom, and slammed the door shut. A resounding click of the lock sounded.

"Where the hell did you get that…thing?" James spluttered.

"See, you need a word of the day like me. Thing is so vague," Sirius reprimanded. "Besides, I should be asking you."

"Oh? And where do you come to that conclusion?"

"They were in your pile."

James looked at the enormous pile at Sirius' feet. "How can you bloody tell? Your stuff's in there too! This…monstrosity could be yours!"

"Monstrosity. Much better," Sirius nodded, putting away his pointing finger of doom (or forefinger, depending if you approve of giving random body parts foreboding titles like Sirius does). "But I think I would remember if that thong was mine. Wait…" Sirius pulled a thinking face.

_That looks like it hurts,_ James thought fleetingly.

Sirius snapped his fingers suddenly. "That crazy chick from Hufflepuff," he announced triumphantly. "She gave it to me for my birthday last year. I was going to give it to you for Christmas."

"Why?"

"I thought Lily would enjoy it," Sirius looked mischievously

"How would…oh," James realized what Sirius was hinting at. A pause. "You think?"

"NO!" Remus shouted from the bathroom.

"Whatever," James shook his head. This was sure to give him nightmares tonight. "It's nearly seven. We should get out of here."

"Right," Sirius said, striding after James, stuffing the thong in his pocket. Maybe he would find Peter and pawn it off on him.

o.O

Sirius had no such luck.

Currently he and James were sitting in Slughorn's office, waiting awkwardly for the girls' to show up.

"So explain one more time why you didn't come with Miss Evans and Miss Montez?" Slughorn asked politely.

"Because they weren't in the common room when we came down," James started for the 73rd time.

"And as boys aren't allowed up the girl's case…" Sirius continued.

"Not for lack of trying, eh Padfoot?" James muttered.

"Shh!" Sirius hissed, elbowing James so hard that the boy fell out of his seat.

Just his luck, Lily timed her entrance at that exact moment. The redhead was breathless from running. "So…sorry we're late," she panted.

"God, always with the running thing!" Aliana's voice called from behind Lily. "Prongs, why are you on the floor?"

"Padfoot pushed me," James said, hastily getting back into his seat.

"Did not," Sirius said automatically. "I elbowed you. Very different."

"It was still a forcible removal from a comfortable seated position. It doesn't matter the means, only the ends, and it was my end that meanly ended up on the floor!" James said heatedly. He pushed Sirius to the ground. "_That's_ a push, dogbreath."

"Boys!" Slughorn called. "That's enough pushing."

"Elbowing!" Sirius said indignantly. "James pushed me!"

"Boys," Aliana muttered under her breath as she rolled her eyes. Lily nodded.

"It doesn't matter! Now, I need all of these," Slughorn gestured to a line of bottles filled with various…disgusting…_things_, "rebottled, relabeled, and reorganized. The used bottles must be cleaned, except for those whose contents have eroded the glass away. I will return when your detention is over."

"When is that, sir?" Lily called, but Slughorn had already disappeared. She looked around the room: James had immediately taken over Slughorn's teacher's chair, leaning far back and spinning dangerously fast. Aliana had pulled out her magicked music player and was singing along to Pink Floyd. Sirius had found a spare piece of chalk and was scribing the thoughtful conclusions of his philosophical mind; among these gems of knowledge were quotations like, "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot" and "Potatoes make bad racecars" and "Never keep your wand in the peanut butter jar."

"Oi!" Lily yelled, trying to get their attention. "In case you lot have already forgotten, we have a detention!" She felt a lot like a preschool teacher, trying to rally a bunch of ADD-riddled toddlers.

"Right," James stopped spinning suddenly and stood. Bad move; he immediately fell down into Sirius' knees. The latter's chalk went flying into the air and bopped Aliana on the head. She pulled out an earphone and looked murderous.

"Who threw that?" she growled. James pointed to Sirius; fearing the girl's reaction, Sirius pointed at Lily. Realizing Lily was getting just as pissed as Aliana, Sirius moved his pointing to James.

"OI!" Lily yelled again. All three looked at her. "Here's an idea: let's actually do what the teacher told us to do instead of killing each other. Allie," Lily said threateningly to the girl who already had her hands around Sirius' throat.

"Sorry," Aliana released the gasping boy.

"Right," James said again. "I'll go with Lily and you two can go find some spare bottles."

"What?!" Sirius squawked quite unlike himself. Aliana giggled maliciously.

"Are you sure that's wise, James?" Lily asked worriedly. "Allie just tried to kill Sirius. She might try again. You know she holds a grudge."

"I've got another matchmaking idea," James muttered under his breath. "Just play along."

"Fine, but when your best mate dies…"

"I'll know who to kill to avenge him." To Sirius, "Just find some bottles. I'll relieve you later."

And so, Sirius warily followed Aliana across the room. Quietly, James explained his idea to Lily. She was shocked and slightly worried about their friend's mental and emotional well-being but decided to go along.

A few minutes later, Lily's hand 'accidentally' knocked over a potions bottle, causing it to shatter on the floor.

"Hey, can you two go grab a mop to clean this up?" James asked.

"Go get it yourself, numchucks," Sirius called.

"Me and Lily are actually being productive, instead of playing with Slughorn's things," James retorted.

"What are you talking about?" Sirius turned. His eyes were accented with crystallized pineapple and he had two stripes of melted chocolate painted across each cheek. His hair was adorned with silver unicorn hair and had one of Slughorn's humongous cloaks draped over him.

"Allie, you might want to go with him. Y'know, in case someone finds Sirius and thinks he's gone mental," Lily piped in.

"He's always been mental," Aliana sniggered.

"Shut up," Sirius retorted.

"Oh, I'm hurt. What scathing retorts you come up with," Aliana said sarcastically. This bickering continued as they went into the hallway and toward the broom cupboard. James grinned at Lily and followed them. Once they were inside, James planted Aliana's music player, now transfigured into a magical recording device, in the corner of the room, shut the door, and locked it.

This is what insued (now in bright, shiny, new script form. oooooh…):

Aliana: friggin a, Padfoot, no need to push!

Sirius: I'm not pushing. I got pushed. Aaa, light! Light go bye-bye.

Aliana: You closed the door arseface.

Sirius: (whimpers) I love light. Make the dark go away mommy.

Aliana: I'm not your mother.

Sirius: Thank God.

Aliana: just open the damn door.

Sirius: (tries) can't. it's locked. Alohomora. (tries again) Nope.

Aliana: I hate my life.

Sirius: I hate my mother.

Aliana: Congratulations.

_silence_

Sirius: This is incredibly boring

Aliana: yep

Sirius: amuse me

Aliana: how?

Sirius: I'm sure we can figure something out. (a slap is heard) OW!

Aliana: Not that kind of amusement, dogbreath

_more silence_

Aliana: I'm hungry.

Sirius: want some pineapple?

Aliana: After it's been on your scummy face?

Sirius: that hurts, Montez

Aliana: as much as your face pains me?

Sirius: (pause) I don't get it.

Aliana: You do seem to excel at that.

_Even more silence_

Sirius: You know what I hate?

Aliana: Your mom?

Sirius: Yes, but what else?

Aliana: the dark?

Sirius: no, the dark is quite nice. And…sometimes…magical (another slap) OW!

Aliana: I don't believe in magic

Sirius: And you're a witch?

Aliana: you know what I mean

Sirius: Sadly

_guess what? more silence!_

Sirius: Let's play a game!

Aliana: like what? Entertainment in a locked closet can be very hard to come by

Sirius: I dunno about that (an unprecedented third slap) GODDAMN IT, ALLIE!

Aliana: you never learn do you?

Sirius: You can't teach an old dog new tricks

Aliana: so there's truth behind the old saying?

Sirius: Aw, I thought I was being original

Aliana: Nope it's an old Muggle saying

Sirius: Like that bird murder one?

Aliana: What?

Sirius: You know the birds in the shrubbery and the crazy man with the bird fetish brutally murders them?

Aliana: Are you on crack?

Sirius: Let's play a game!

Aliana: Are you trying to change the subject?

Sirius: Perhaps. You wanna play a game?

Aliana: What game?

Sirius: I dunno.

Aliana: Usually when one suggests they play a game, he has an idea.

Sirius: Well, I did, but you slapped me.

Aliana: With good reason

Sirius: Here, give me a Galleon

Aliana: Why?

Sirius: This Muggle chick taught me a magic trick (a moment of rustling) Alrighty, now I'm going to make it disappear. (a moment of silence) HAHA! I got a Galleon! (Another slap)

Aliana: give me my money (loud clattering, yells, yelps of pain, etc.) what the hell?

Sirius: Er…

Aliana: why do you have a thong in your pocket?

Sirius: Erm…gift?

Aliana: from?

Sirius: James

o.O

"Why does Sirius have a thong from you?" Lily asked.

James was incredibly red. They had been listening intently to the conversation from the cupboard. True, James' brilliant scheme hadn't been going as brilliantly as planned but it had been a humorous aid in the monotonous, disgusting task of cleaning bottles.

"He doesn't. It's really from an…old girlfriend," James muttered, realizing how ridiculous that sounded.

"A girlfriend of yours or his?" Lily asked incredulously

"His," James said quickly. Thankfully, Slughorn came in then, saving James from further explanation.

"It's 10:30. Your detention's over," Slughorn said. "Are the bottles done?"

"Nearly," Lily managed through giggles.

"What's so funny, my dear?" Slughorn asked stupidly. His eyes slid over to the tampered pineapple box. "Have you been into my sweets?" He waggled a finger. "That's not very polite, Miss Evans."

"It wasn't her. It was Sirius," James defended her. Lily smiled at him thankfully; she wasn't in the mood for more trouble.

"Speaking of, where is Mr. Black and Miss Montez?" he asked.

"Oh, they're in the…broom cupboard," Lily trailed, her face paling. James slid the walkie-talkie from the table into his lap, muffing the dull voices of the trapped teenagers.

"What are they doing in there?" Slughorn asked.

"Getting a mop," Lily said as she and James followed the professor into the hall. He came up on the closed cupboard door. He unlocked it and was greeted by a very…unique vision.

From the ruckus caused by Sirius' thieving of Aliana's Galleon, both teens have very disheveled looks: Sirius' clothes were wrinkled and crooked, his hair was mussed and Aliana's was falling out of her bun. The unicorn hair that had been on Sirius was now sprinkled on their clothing as well as their surroundings. One of the pineapples was still around Sirius' eye and the other was stuck on Aliana's sweater in a rather unfortunate place. To complete this picture, when the door was opened, Aliana had been in the process of grabbing the thong that Sirius was holding above his head; Sirius had been leaned backwards and Aliana was practically on top of his, inches from Sirius' face.

All five were frozen in shock. Sirius recovered first. He dropped the thong and grinned at Slughorn.

"Mop?" he asked innocently, brandishing said cleaning tool at the man.

o.O

Wisely, James and Lily decided to lay off getting Sirius and Aliana together for awhile.

o.O

A/N: again, blame the turkey and my midnight writing sessions. Thongs are quite funny when you can't sleep and images of Sirius are jumping around in your mind, eating the sugarplums that should be there.

Speaking of sugarplums, there's a special holiday Christmas chappie next featuring Remus and Mel. I haven't (or rather James and Lily) been spending enough time with them! I don't know if anyone got that transition, which then leads me to share a quick quote from my Spanish class!

Hilary: I don't know why, but I always make my words feminine

Me: You must be rebelling against the sexist nature of the language.

Jenna: It's like if you're Jewish…

(snorts) I don't know if anyone else finds Jenna's utter randomness funny, but I did. Maybe you had to be there…

Speaking of Spanish, I have to do a massive oral speech for that class as part of my final. If someone has an idea for a favorite fairy tale or made up story, please pm me or leave it in a review! All ideas open! I'm not picky!

No reviews (worth mentioning. Glares at stat screen)

Please review! I beg you!!

**Oh, and I'm thinking of changing my pen name. Just FYI…**


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